NuclearFamily

Oct

They Thought It Was All Over… But It’s Not! Stupid Joke Friday Returns

The first Stupid Joke Friday for quite a while so I’m giving you a few to make up for it. I hope you enjoy!

DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE…

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. “What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?” asks the cop. “I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.” “Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Lets see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”

PIGS…

Five pigs went into a bar. The first pig asked for one glass of beer. He drank it and asked where the bathroom was. The bartender said, “Down the hall and to the right.”

The second pig ordered 2 glasses of beer. He drank them and asked where the bathroom was. The bartender said, “Down the hall and to the right.”

The third pig ordered 3 glasses of beer. He drank them down, then asked where the bathroom was. The bartender said, “Down the hall and to the right.”

The fourth pig ordered 4 glasses of beer. He drank them down then asked where the bathroom was. The bartender said, “Down the hall and to the right.”

The fifth pig ordered 5 glasses of beer. He drank them down, paid his tab, then began to leave. The bartender stopped him and said, “Aren’t you going to ask where the bathroom is?” The pig replied, “No. I’m the one that goes wee-wee all the way home!”

YOU DO THE MATHS…

In the old west, a settler is watching an Indian meeting. There is an old woman sitting on a hippopotamus hide, and two younger women sitting on other types of pelts. Everybody seems to be listening to the old woman, but paying only half as much attention to the younger ones. After a while the settler asks his Indian guide why the older woman is treated with so much more respect. The guide answers, “The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.”

HAHhAhAHAHAhahahaHhahHAHA

All stupid I think you’ll agree, but which is your favourite?

Categorized in drink drive, funny, joke, maths, pigs, stupid and stupid joke friday

Jun

Big Brother… It’s Just A Wacky Race

How Much Is That T-Rex In The Window?

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Creationists. What. The. Fuck? I thought Intelligent Designers were ridiculous but they’re not so daft after all.

A new $27 million museum propounding Creationist views opened in Kentucky. Replete with animatronic dinosaurs, a buff looking Adam and Eve and a special effects theatre with rumbling seats, rising mists and sea breezes the museum declares that it “brings the pages of the Bible to life, casting its characters and animals in dynamic form, and placing them in familiar settings. Adam and Eve live in the Garden of Eden. Children play and dinosaurs roam near Eden’s rivers. The serpent coils cunningly in the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.” (Creation Museum brochure p. 3)

“Two animatronic, brown-complexioned children, demurely dressed in Hiawatha-like buckskin, gravely flutter with movement. Behind them lurk two small Tyrannosaurus Rexes.”

Yes that’s right. Dinosaurs playing with children. Because, apparently, before the fall of man all creatures were very friendly and were all herbivores. Only by our sin was the evil predatorial nature of the dinosaurs revealed. When told the dinosaurs would have had very sharp teeth director of Answers in Genesis the owners of the new museum, Ken Ham replied, “So do bears… but they eat nuts and berries! Remember, before the sin of Adam, the world was perfect. All creatures were vegetarian.”
I saw an interview on Sunday morning with a visitor to the Museum who thought it likely that our ancestors kept dinosaurs as pets.

WHAT…

THE…

FUCK ?

According to the Creationist…. “religion”… the Earth is just 6000 years old. God created man as he is now and evolution did not happen. It does not, in fact, exist. It’s pseudo-science. The fossil record was laid down during the flood which Noah waited out aboard his Ark, on which he had pairs of dinosaurs, though to save on space Noah only took “teenage” dinosaurs. It was the same flood that carved out the Grand Canyon.

This is an odd blend of faith and what can only loosely be termed as science in a Disneyesque wrapper. Designed to attract children withs it fairground style and models. It would be merely funny; just another American display of Religious idiocy if it wasn’t for the fact that a massive number of Americans believe it.

In a recent poll 48% of Americans reject the theory of Evolution and 34% of college graduates accept the Bibles account of creation as fact. Seventy-three percent of Evangelical Protestants say they believe that God created humans in their present form within the last 10,000 years; 39 percent of non-Evangelical Protestants and 41 percent of Catholics agree with that view.

The thing I find most bizarre in this poll is the attitude to atheists. The poll shows the public’s tolerance of atheists has increased in recent years. Nearly half (47 percent) of the respondents felt the country is more accepting of atheists today that it used to be and slightly more (49 percent) reported personally knowing an atheist.

I am amazed that personally knowing an atheist is something to remark upon. It makes me imagine small enclaves of non-believers huddled inside darkened rooms lest the religious find them.

Even more worryingly is the fact that out of the 10 Republican candidates running for the 2008 presidential nomination 3 do not believe in evolution.

What has happened to America? Never the sanest place on Earth it seems to be getting crazier. How long can a land of gun-toting religious lunatics last as the self-appointed leader of the free world? Not long I would hope, though it seems, waiting in line to be the next wannabe Empire is China and how much of an improvement would that be. The only light at the end of a very dark tunnel is that very soon George W. Bush will be leaving the White House. Bush himself said, “On the issue of evolution, the verdict is still out on how God created the Earth.”

Presumably the US will have learned their lesson and will elect someone of at least average intelligence. I don’t think the next President will be an atheist however.

This blurb from the Creation Museum brochure (download it from here) sums it all up for me.:

“The Bible speaks for itself at the creation museum. We’ve just paved the way to a greater understanding of the tenets of creation and redemption. Our exhibit halls are gilded with truth, our gardens teem with the visible signs of life. We invite you to visit the creation museum. Your life may change forever.”

“Gilded with truth” indeed. Scrape the surface of that thin veneer of fact and what would you find? Nothing but lies to entice children into their folly. Isn’t that what the serpent did with his words that were “gilded with truth”?

And what was is that pesky list of ten things not to do?… The Commandments, thats it. And the eighth one of those?

Something to do with not lying I think.

Categorized in atheist, Bush, creation museum, creationism, creationist, dinosaurs, evolution, idiots, Museum, nonsense, religion, religious, stupid and United States

Jun

And Like A Boomerang Stupid Joke Friday Keeps Coming Back

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Once more it is that time again. Friday has returned and brought with it a stupid joke. Be still your beating hearts, the long cold wait is over!

Two men walk into a bar at the top of a skyscraper, it’s a very high class spot and is full of attractive people (women).

Both men find a seat at a table on the terrace and order a drink enjoying the view. After a while, and after several drinks, a man staggers over to them.

“I bet you,” he says “that I can jump from this terrace and land safely below!”

The men are doubtful and don’t want to see the drunk jump to his death and try to talk him out of it. But he is having none of it and leaps over the edge.

The men are shocked and look over expecting to see him a bloody mess on the pavement below only to see him drift gently to the ground. Five minutes later he is back upstairs and being bought rounds of drinks by everyone and fawned over by attractive women.

The men are amazed and pull him aside, “How did you do that?” they ask.

The drunk looks at them for a moment, “OK. This is the secret. There’s a ventilation shaft below that spot and the updraft is enough to float you down to the ground. I do it every week and get all the women I want.”

“Amazing,” the men say. They look at each other and with a nod run and leap over the side. They fall swiftly and land heavily below. They die instantly.

The drunk shakes his head and heads to the bar to get a drink.

The barman sees him and says, “You know, you can be a real bastard when you’re drunk Superman!”

Categorized in bar, drunk, funny, joke, jump, stupid, stupid joke friday and superman

Jun

Earwigging And A Mite Of An Itch

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I was eavesdropping on folks out and about today, and hear are the latest odd things I over heard today.

Two men in the park –
“He’s not been sentenced yet though has he?”

“No, but he’s looking at 18months, which is pretty good considering what….”

A woman on the phone –
“Well the smell’s gone now but the itching is worse!”

A small boy to his grandmother –
“You shouldn’t eat that chocolate because you’re already too fat!”

A teenager to his gang of black clad buddies –
“It was like… you know…. just fuckin’… err… just mad. You know what I mean?”

Two women at the table behind me in the coffee shop –
“When are you going to tell him?”

“I have no idea… I mean… what if it like freaks him out? Some people find it weird you know!”

A young chav type came in for work today, applying for a job in a food prep factory. I stood to shake his hand and he said…”Better not mate, I’ve got scabies!”

WTF! He wants to work preparing food!? Some people are just worryingly stupid!

Categorized in funny, itch, overheard, scabies, work/hell and WTF

Jun

The Union Flag…It’s In The Name!

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Gordon “the devil” Brown called for a Britain Day. For once I think he may be right about something, though it pains me to agree with the beady eyed little rat. I don’t like him.

But the Britain Day is a good idea. He says we must reclaim the Union Flag from the far right racist twunts of the BNP. Absolutely! When did the Union Flag become a symbol for idiocy and hatred?

Yes, I freely admit I am British ad worse yet folks I am English. I don’t have any cool roots for anyone to come back from the colonies to claim. There’s no romantic Celt in me. Sorry. I am the Hollywood pastiche of tweed clad bookish snob who loses to the funky, brash American or I am the psychotic killer/criminal who eventually loses to the funky brash American. Alternatively there’s the historical movie which shows the English romping dishonourably across the world treading all the noble minorities down with atrocity after atrocity. Only to eventually lose to the funky brash American… playing the local hero with typical bad accent.

This is not meant to be a Yank bashing post though. It’s more to do with how we as British/English are meant to be quiet and ashamed of it. I am fed up with being expected to be an apologist for the culture I am part of.

Already we have seen councils rename Christmas to Winterfest and ban Christmas lights for fear of offended those who don’t celebrate the holiday. And Easter was banned from schools so as not to offend Muslim children. Then there is the council who banned pigs in any form from one of their buildings because they didn’t want to offend Muslims. This included pig figurines, calendars and even Piglet of pooh fame.

In schools teachers have stopped teaching the Holocaust as some students religions include Holocaust denial. The crusades are skipped over because History does not match what is taught in the local Mosque. And several parents expressed concern over the lessons on the Arab/Israeli conflict since it does not follow their denominations teachings.

The recent re-enactment of the Battle of Trafalgar to mark the 200th anniversary of the great victory was changed to Reds versus Blues because the Government didn’t want to upset the French and Spanish. Really? It happened in 1805, we won. Comprehensively. Should we rename Trafalgar Square and quietly sweep Nelson under the rug?

Several years ago it was announced that police officers using the phrase nitty gritty could face disciplinary action as the term stemmed from slavery. Does it? Did anyone know that? I use it and mot definitely do not support slavery.

So afraid are we as a nation a Christian charity actually censored itself by banning any Christ related gifts to be sent at Christmas during it’s drive to post presents to children across the globe because they didn’t want to upset any Muslim kids who might open a box and see a Christian themed gift or card.

WTF.

I’m not religious at all, so should I not say that to any religious people lest I offend them? Or should they stop banging on about their respective Gods as it might annoy me?

Why can’t I say I’m British/English without running the risk of that being understood as a tacit admission of racist tendencies?

Seriously lets stop being ashamed. Why should we be? We have fought many wars against evil and for human rights. The Magna Carta is a document that forms the basis of many Constitutions around the world including America’s and also the US Bill of Rights.

Every year many people flock to our shores to make a better life, should we not try to ensure the survival of the culture that makes this country so appealing and actually be allowed to celebrate it? Include all those minorities in that celebration and finally put the racist element who tarnish our flag to rest.

The Union Flag is not synonymous with racial hatred and stupidity.

Fly the flag, be proud.

On a less ranting note, I found this related bit and thought it was quite fun. Strange questions I think, though the point of having a Citizenship Test when our history is being eroded in schools is moot surely.Thumbs Up For Britain Day. And what about St. Georges Day, lets have a bank holiday for that, give the faux-Irish something to enjoy that they can really own. And the Queens birthday; even the Aussies, Kiwis, Fijians, Canadians, Gibraltarians, Bermudan’s and Falklanders celebrate that and get a proper holiday.!

Categorized in Britain Day, British, Brown, Christmas, citizenship test, culture, English, history, offend, political correctness, Trafalgar. 1805, twunts, Union Flag and WTF

Jun

You Can Run But You Can’t Hide…It’s Cartoon Monday

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Categorized in cartoon monday, cartoons by fatman, funny, poo and revenge

Jun

A Test

Repitition Is The Reality And The Seriousness Of Life…. Err… No It’s Just Stupid Joke Friday

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A man is driving down a country road late one night when his car breaks down. Try as he might he can’t fix it so decides he to walk for help.

After about half an hour of walking along narrow lanes he hears a voice in the distance shouting “14!…14!” and then again, “14!”

Confused but curious and to be honest glad to finally have found someone who could help he follows the voice.

As he gets closer, he finds a high fence behind some nettles and he searches for a way through as beyond the fence he can hear the voice saying “14!….14!………………14!” loudly.

At last he finds a small hole and crawls through getting stung in the bargain and he sees he is in a large field, on the far side is a huge building where the voice is coming from, “14!”

He trudges along, tired and dirty over the muddy field to the building. He walks round the perimeter to find a door but only finds boarded up windows. Having gone nearly all the way round he sees a chink of yellow light from a boarded window and feels a rush of relief for he can hear the voice clearly now.

“14!” it says, “14!”

He runs over and sees a small hole in the board and the light from inside pours out, “14!” shouts the voice again.

The man stands on tiptoes and peers through the hole and a finger pokes out and jabs him in the eye.

He falls back with a yell and holds his sore eye and hears the voice say loudly, “15!”

“15!”

Hope you like this one!

Categorized in 14, 15, funny, joke, poke, stupid and stupid joke friday

May

A New Meaning To “Dumped”!

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I have been very busy. This is why I am posting for the first time this week and it’s Thursday! Terrible, and I missed another Monday Cartoon. I apologise.

Not much to say really except that the liquorice diet doesn’t work for boosting sexual prowess; it’s great for weight loss since you spend a huge amount of time on the loo (BB1 was already scrawny when he began the diet and now is skeletal) but for great sex find something else.

BB1 was dumped by Bird today. She said it “was her” and that “she wasn’t ready for commitment” but BB1 is convinced the trips to the toilet he had to make during their night of passion ruined the relationship. I think he is right. BB2 is being condescendingly sympathetic.

The lesson here is don’t take sex advice from a man called Dave who drinks alone every night in a dirty pub!

On a more positive note I saw Littleboy looking at college courses this morning! Amazed? Stunned? You can bet ya donkey I was.

Also today is 31st May. That means it’s World No Tobacco Day, so put those cigarettes away!

Categorized in aphrodisiacs, BB, Bird, diarrhoea, liquorice, Littleboy, may 31st, sex, tobacco, toilet and weight loss